How do I treat myself?

Nov 6

Lately the saying “treat others how you want to be treated” is ringing differently in my ears. I was with a friend who was treated in a way no one would want to be treated. In thinking about her situation, I asked myself this question: Is our default to treat people not how we want to be treated, but how we treat ourselves? Stay with me.

In the middle of a recent busier than normal season I found myself very behind on emails. It was taking me a week, maybe two, to answer some of my emails, namely ones where I had to make decision about the commitment of my time. Something else about my current season is I am trying to discern what I should be saying yes to and what I should be saying no to, this is difficult for me because, honestly, I want to say yes to everyone and every opportunity but this isn’t a sustainable lifestyle for any of us, right?

During this time one of the people waiting on an answer from me wrote me a response that, in the moment, felt like a punch to the gut. This person made some assumptions about why I hadn’t responded to the email in a more timely fashion, the assumptions were about if this person had value to me or not. The conclusion drawn was that I didn’t value the person and so therefore hadn’t answered the email, this couldn’t be farther from the truth.

When I went back through my past communications with this person, I saw a pattern, they were constantly self-deprecating, saying that they know I am too busy for them and they know they aren’t important but if I could let them know etc. etc.

When the email came and I took in the harshness of it aimed at me, I now realize the way it was written was less about my tardiness in answering (no deadline was given, and I was considering what I had time to commit to) but more about how this person perceived themselves. They weren’t treating me with the compassion and grace they would want, they were treating me with the harshness that they treat themselves.

So often we go through life treating others how we treat ourselves. Holding others to impossible standards, assuming others see us in the negative way we see ourselves, thinking the list of expectations we put on our own life are also the same others put on their lives. This, simply put, isn’t the case nor is it a kind and compassionate way to go through lives, not compassionate for us or those we encounter.

Back to my friend, I was driving home thinking, why couldn’t the person she was dealing with simply choose kindness, honor and compassion? Aren’t those attributes the ones they themselves would want given to them if the roles were reversed? And that is when it hit me, are we holding ourselves to standards not reflective of kindness, honor or compassion and so then our default is to treat others in the way we have learned to treat us?

There are many reasons for this, we could blame a world system where abiding by a list of unwritten societal rules dictates whether we get to belong or not. We could even look at a religious structure where saved by faith alone is what is preached, but obedience to a list of rules can be what is expected ( I am not saying we don’t need to follow God and live the life he outlines, but at times we get it out of order, abiding with God must come first and then behavior change comes; a different topic for a different day.) Our culture also defaults to a system of hierarchy, if we are getting our identity through how we keep people down depending on their qualifications according to a worldly system of achievement, the type of struggle they have or how public their struggle is, we are holding ourselves to these precarious standards and be extension others as well.

The thought I am leaving myself with today is, what if I treated others the way I wanted to be treated, and started with myself? Recently I had a message from a different friend and the standard she is holding herself to is creating a situation where she has pain. Her message reminded me of the ways I hold myself to standards that aren’t right or fair and as a result tell myself horrible things, things I would never say to another soul, but maybe I think them?

I have to ask myself, where am I holding myself to un-compassionate, unkind standards and how is it affecting my own mental health as well as how I think about, treat and interact with those around me? Maybe we need to consider where the standards we have set come from; an unstable worldly system that is always moving and changing? Insecurity? Did someone hold us to them, and now we hold others to them in the same way?

As I went to prayer, God spoke to my heart, He is the only perfect one who has every right to judge me, hold me to a standard, and instead he offers me grace upon grace every day. Why then, am I so hard on myself and by extension, hard on others?

As I receive grace, I want to be a pass through of that grace to others, if I am not accepting the grace freely given to me or if I am striving to find my identity in places other than sitting with Jesus, I won’t be able to interact with those around me in a way where honor, kindness and compassion trumps hierarchy and judgement. In the world today, we are living in a deficit when it comes to honoring the human beings around us. The only way to change that to a surplus is when each and every one of us turns the magnifying glass inward and starts by looking at ourselves.