The Value of Authentic Community
I have been trying to write this blog post about community for months. I have sat down to write multiple drafts, every time starting over because the words weren’t exactly right to convey what I have been learning and seeing when it comes to the importance of community.
I think we all know community is important, especially after a year+ of isolation. As wonderful as zoom and the internet is, these means of communication have not been a replacement for face to face community and the edginess that can be felt, especially over social media, because of our lack of in person conversations surrounding hard topics is tangible.
Recently, I started to think about community again in reference to the anti trafficking work I do. Authentic, selfless community for the vulnerable and/or marginalized can be the difference between healthy and abusive relationships. Having belonging in a safe community where people listen, understand and walk with a person, can make the difference between if someone enters into and stays in an abusive relationship or trafficking situation or not. One of the reasons I believe we have human trafficking in the United States is because of our individualistic culture, meaning we tend to keep our authentic communities small. For example, there is a group of people we would consider ours to care for and love, no matter what. If these people needed us we would do anything for them, to help them. Because we instinctively don’t see the problems outside of our “group” as ours to take care of this individualistic way of doing community leaves people vulnerable. If a person doesn’t have a healthy group or if their group doesn’t have the means to provide basic needs this automatically creates a vulnerability. This doesn’t mean communal cultures have less have trafficking, it simply means the vulnerabilities in cultures that are less individualistic are different than ours because the cultural structure is different.
There is a second unintended consequence of our individualistic culture when it comes to people being vulnerable to exploitation and/or abusive and unhealthy relationships. The saying “it takes a village” when we think about raising our kids couldn’t be more true. As I enter the years of parenting teenagers, I am starting to understand even more the importance of an engaged, healthy, village in terms of the need for other people who are watching out for and speaking into my kids. Parents know their influence seems to dwindle in the teen years, and to have other adults in the lives of their kids to reinforce what is already being said is crucial. Recently I was at an awareness event and a mom who was attending shared her story of losing her daughter to trafficking while she was away at college. Her daughter came from a two parent home where she knew she was loved and hid the trafficking from her parents while she was at school. This mom, who no longer has her daughter here on this earth, asked me what else she could have done and I thought, who was in her life at college who could have seen the signs? Trafficking, exploitation and abuse are able to happen more freely because we may see things that feel wrong but we don’t instinctively perceive them as our “business”.
We have a tendency to talk ourselves out of engaging with those who we don’t consider “ours” or we can talk ourselves out of our gut instinct when we see something that feels off happening to someone around us. These are unintended consequences of our individualistic culture. So what can we do? I believe a first step is engaging in real, authentic, self-less community. Community where we watch out for each other and take time to have hard conversations. Engaging in community where love is seen through action and extended to people outside of our immediate circles or groups.
It is easy for me to be in community with those who agree with me, with those who see and experience the world in a similar way that I do. Can you relate? I don’t believe it is wrong to have people who you find encouragement through shared experience with. We need this. Simultaneously, to only engage in authentic community with those who are like us is not a place of growth for ourselves or our communities. The way we grow as human beings and then therefore the way we grow our communities is by choosing to reach out and engage with those who we perceive to be different than ourselves or those who may be on the outside of our community.
I have often battled the urge to only engage with people who fit easily into society or community. Whether we like to admit it or not, every community (even and especially the adult ones) still have a “cool kids club” and I won’t speak for you, but I often want to be a part of it.
Similarly to when I was in high school and I learned what it felt like to not know a soul in my social studies class my Junior year, this impacted me to the point that when I was at youth group and in a position to be the one who welcomed those who didn’t know anyone, my experience gave me empathy turned to courage enabling me to reach out to the ones who were new, the ones on the outside of the inner circle.
When we talk about creating the safe, self-less, authentic communities we all desire, these are the kinds of things we need to remember and allow to inform our action now as adults. It is crucial for us to think of a time when we were on the outside of mainstream, either culture or group, and out of compassion someone chose to see and not only see but act to include us. Then we need to be intentional to value and engage the community members who are new, or for whatever reason don’t seem to fit in.
I think there may be those of us who still don’t know exactly what it is to not fit in, and I don’t want you to feel shame for who you are. Creating authentic community isn’t about flipping a hierarchy, like now the marginalized are the cool kids and the cool kids are the ones left out. No, instead of creating an org chart, we need to build bigger and more tables.
One of the biggest oppositions I hear when it comes to engaging in this kind of community, the kind where the boundaries are more loosely defined and tables are bigger, is capacity. Again, this is a valid question; if we open our arms wider to more and different people, how is that real community? Can I maintain friendships with that many people? No one said you had to be best friends with everyone you have the privilege of engaging with. When did we decide it was all or nothing with our friendships? Why does it have to be Bff’s or don’t make eye contact? Can we choose to honor the human beings in our midst by seeing, valuing and including them? Chances are they don’t need a best friend, but are looking for someone who welcome them in.
When I was in class at 17 and no one engaged with me, a simple “hi” would have gone a long way.
For the moms whose kids are making decisions about their relationships that have significant impact on the rest of their lives, a fellow parent, teacher or even friend who asks a few of the right questions can make all the difference.
The new family at church or school is maybe looking to be invited in and introduced to some people. We don’t have to worry about where it goes from there, but we can continue to engage in a meaningful way when we see them .
Community matters, being in community with those who aren’t like us, matters. Seeing those on the outside of mainstream community and choosing to engage matters too. It takes a village of people who choose to care for us to see a change in the hurt in our world. The hurt of exploitation and abuse, yes, but also the hurt of simply leaving a place because you felt the heaviness of the title “left out”. If we could choose to risk our own capacity in honor of those who are hurting and alone, we may see that true community holds a special kind of power to solving some of the problems we are facing, and you might be surprised at how rewarding it is to engage with those who you don’t perceive to be anything like you.
It is a gift to share story with a person who seems to be so different from you, only to find you are more alike than you ever could have imagined.
What could happen if we welcomed people in?