Stingy.

Aug 26

The other morning I received a text from a nonprofit director friend; she was commenting on one of the recent podcasts Stories Foundation had just released. Her comment was encouraging to me and in it she relayed something I had said that challenged her. Reading the words I had apparently spoken typed back to me, surprised me. She quoted me as using the word “stingy”. I thought, oh no, that isn’t a kind word, did I really say that in the podcast? I went and asked my co-worker if I had used the word stingy, and she confirmed it. To me, stingy isn’t a particularly kind word and I truly do desire to be kind even when talking about hard things. Nevertheless, apparently it was the right word for the right moment, it came out, was recorded and helped someone else. Since then, I have found myself thinking about the word often and how stinginess sneakily plays out in our day to day lives. So now it is not only immortalized in a podcast, I am writing a whole post about it.

The dictionary agrees with me about the word stingy not being particularly lovely. It is defined as,

“unwilling to give or spend; ungenerous.”

Insert cringe face here. Who wants this word to define them? I don’t desire to be known as stingy and I would guess most of you don’t either.

I believe mostly, and this definition seems to back this up, we think of stinginess in terms of how we spend (or don’t spend) our money. However, I think stinginess can be applied to any resource we have. Time, ability, encouragement, value, worth, listening - I could go on and I am sure you have a few of your own to add to the list. Stinginess is something easily recognizable when it is happening against us. If we have a need and someone has the ability to be generous and instead they choose to be stingy, this hurts and can dredge up feelings of embarrassment, shame, rejection, loneliness - again I could go on and on and if you remember a time when someone was stingy towards you, you can probably add some of your own feelings to the list.

However, when the tables are turned, stinginess is less obvious. I would venture to guess many people whose actions the word stingy may apply to probably don’t see themselves as such. When we are the ones acting stingy, we would classify those actions as frugal, wise, good stewards. Rarely is a stingy act acknowledged as such by the person committing it. We are excellent at justifying (making excuses) for ourselves and I know this because I am the queen justifier.

Going on the assumption that no one really wants to be known as stingy, and further more, if you are a Jesus Follower you and I are actually called to be the exact opposite of stingy which is extreme generosity (giving with no expectation of getting anything back) no return on investment so to speak, I thought I would write some questions I use to check myself to see if I am operating in a stingy way. The questions below will have Biblical support, because the Bible is where the foundations of how I live my life come from. If you don’t believe in the Bible, I hope you keep reading because the questions and thoughts are still valid and noteworthy, in my opinion. Also, we get a lot of our sayings from the Bible, like what Julie Chen Moonves said on Big Brother the other night, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Anyways, I digress. Let’s keep moving forward.

Am I operating out of Scarcity Mindset?

Scarcity mindset is this idea that there aren’t enough resources to go around, so therefore, I have to be very careful who I collaborate with, who I use my voice for, who I give my time or money to, etc. because our resources are limited and once they’re gone, they’re gone. I think we can even, unknowingly, allow scarcity mindset to start seeping into how we think about our encouragement or support. Thinking we can’t support everything, or we don’t want to encourage someone if they don’t have a lot of support because they will most likely fail and your encouragement would have then, been wasted. The antithesis to scarcity mindset is a “better together” mindset. It is this idea that there are more than enough resources in the world for everyone and it isn’t hurtful to encourage, believe in, support those around us who are trying to do good and make a difference. Better Together mindset says, if we work together we will be able to go farther, longer. It chooses generosity of words, actions, resources, times, networks, finances because people who operate here know that somehow when they give, they receive abundantly more both monetarily and in life experience.

If you are finding yourself feeling panicky at the thought of giving, that if you give, you will run out when something better comes along, or you won’t have enough for yourself later, this might be a sign that when given the opportunity to be generous, you might choose stinginess instead.

Whose Resources are they?

This one is specifically for those of you who follow Jesus. A core belief as a Jesus Follower is; every good and perfect thing is a gift from our Heavenly Father. He has given us all we have - jobs, homes, family. Gifts, abilities , etc. for the purpose of using them to be his hands and feet on this earth and as confirmed in both the Old and New Testaments, give to the poor, needy, naked, foreigner, and widow. So this is a crucial question to ask ourselves to gauge if our tendency is to act in a stingy way - or not. When we think of all of our resources, do we consider them ours to do with as we see is best, or do we, every day, go before our Father and ask him what he would have us do and then obey where he leads?

Here is the thing about obeying God when it comes to generosity (and many other things) the first steps, they are going to be hard. Living generously is not intuitive for most of us. To be a person who chooses to be generous instead of stingy, will take practice, but as the old saying goes, it truly is better to give than to receive. As you daily begin to follow God in generosity with the resources he has given you, it will become easier and your life more full. God’s way is always upside down from ours, and It is always for our good.

Am an Open or Closed Listener?

Under the guise of being a good steward, we often choose to be “unwilling to give or spend”. It is as if we are waiting for just the right investment to come along. We even go so far as to say in the fundraising world that people don’t give to causes, they give to people. People are expected to convince us of the worth of their idea, or the neediness of themselves of their cause. This is a hard concept for me in many ways as a leader in the nonprofit world, but that is another post for another day.

Now, I am not saying that we shouldn’t ask questions before we give. It is wise to listen to what someone is doing in order to give them honest feedback. But here is a pointer when listening. Do not pre-judge and therefore allow your hearing to be tainted. When you listen, actually listen. Do not assume the person is like you or someone else you know, do not judge them because you perceive them to be young or naive at first glance, do not assume they haven’t had sufficient experience because when you were where they are you didn’t have sufficient experience. Listen, as best you can, judgement free.

After you listen, give generously as you are able. Giving generously does not have to mean writing a check (although, by all means if this is what you are nudged to do, please do it). Giving generously can mean encouraging their choices or ideas, asking clarifying questions that show real interest, connecting them to someone you know who may be interested in what they are undertaking, asking what their needs may be and seeing if it is in your ability to meet them or if you know of someone who could.

Going into a conversation with an open posture, caring about the person in front of you and not the numbers or results puts you in a position to be more likely to choose generosity instead of stinginess. Going in closed sets you up to justify yourself and your choice not to be generous.

For the Jesus Follower, be wary of the guy in the parable of the talents who took what was given to him and buried it in the field because he didn’t want to lose it. He was dealt with the most harshly. You have been given to generously by God in order to give to others and see the gift multiplied. God’s money, resources, time, etc. in your hand Is destined to be used to help those who need it, don’t be caught guarding it in the field, or your bank account.

The final thing I want to stay about stinginess is, in this post I have shielded away from saying people are stingy because people are valuable and have worth. I believe, made in the image of God. So no one is a stingy person. Labeling people isn’t kind. However, people can choose to act in a stingy way. Stinginess - or generosity - is a choice. One we have ample opportunity to make every day.

We come across people all the time who would benefit greatly from our generosity, in whatever way we may be able to give it. Can we err on the side of generosity? We are capable of giving without concern for ourselves and trusting God with the results, but are we willing?

I know for me, this is who I want to be. I want to be a “yes” girl. I want to see potential more than I see pitfalls. I want to live with the open handedness that God has generously shown me. I want to be a pass through, trusting God with the results. We don’t have to be unwise to be un-stingy. We simply have to be willing to give, to spend, to be generous.

This is who I want to be. What about you?