Approval.
I was putting my mascara on, the last step before I was “leave the house” ready. As I coated my genetically light lashes I thought of later in the evening when I would wipe everything off I had just put on. My mind went to the day ahead of me, realizing I maybe wasn’t even going to see people who would notice me that day, I questioned why I was even going through the trouble. With the last confident swipe and intentional look in the mirror, I thought, no, today I am putting mascara on for me. Today I wanted to get ready. I got dressed, not for the people I would or would not see, but for me. I chose clothes that reflect me. I didn’t change my necklace to one that might match more; instead I kept the one on that reminds me of my GG; it’s cobalt blue pattern one she would approve of.
I find myself wondering how many of life’s decisions I have battled between doing things for me and doing things for others. I have long said I am a chronic people pleaser, learning to lean on intuition I can read a room, or a person, and know how to steer a conversation away from me. Which, if my motive is because I truly care for that person (and it often is) this is a cherished skill. But, if my motive is to find a way to fit in, to blend into the background so those in the forefront will like me, or at least not not like me, then perhaps this hasn’t always been the most healthy practice.
Maybe you are like me in wanting people to like you. I have a few friends who unabashedly state they don’t care if people like them or not, and I truly believe them! I don’t want to be them, because they are the only them that will exist well in this world, but, I do sit by and wonder how I can channel that confidence to be me.
I tend to find myself drawn to people who like me first, are we all like that? Perhaps. The other day I was with a group of women and the conversation (as it has a tendency to do with me) drifted towards how what we purchase matters in the fight against modern day slavery. This one woman was looking at me and listening intently but I sensed her B.S. filter was strong. What I was saying wasn’t B.S., and at the same time I was too tired and didn’t have any desire to try to convince someone I would likely never see again otherwise. The confessions of an exhausted advocate.
Not long after this conversation we had an opportunity for a one on one interaction. In it, I chose to lean in instead of push away. I went against what my people pleasing instincts were telling me, that she didn’t like me, and I asked questions about her and then shared about myself. With the things we had in common creating a table between us. As our short conversation progressed, I realized this women maybe knew more about hard life situations and injustice then I first assesed. In a 5 minute exchange with a stranger, I barely scratched the surface of a story and because I didn’t avoid her, was given the gift of authentic human connection.
Yesterday I wrote about the importance of how we treat ourselves. This is another line in that paragraph. If I had given into my insecurity in that moment I would have missed the fire for justice and people she carries in her story. I would have missed an encounter with another human being where we heard and understood each other. I would have missed an aspect of being human we all are hungry for, connection with each other.
I am sitting at a coffee shop by myself. Before this I stood in line (alone) at one of my favorite delis and ordered a breakfast sandwich, to go, which I then ate while watching the water. The me a few years ago would have been too paralyzed by what people may think of me to do any of these things. If you are like me and making people happy or wondering what people think of you has become a foremost priority, can I ask us, what have we been missing out on because we have an (often irrational) fear of being disliked?
This isn’t a ‘throw away all awareness of the people around us and act in a selfish way where I am the most important person in every space’ call to arms. It also isn’t a ‘throw away every responsibility and live only for yourself’ mandate. Consider it instead a challenge, first to me, and then to you should you resonate. How can we do the hard work to be completely comfortable being us, speaking about who we are, sharing our wants and desires while also serving, loving, listening to others?
The woman in my earlier story and I have lived very different lives, but the differences in our experiences weren’t in competition with each other. Her experiences she shared with me added color to the quilt of my understanding of the world. Her story, even in that smallest interaction, was another square - a larger awareness- of the world around me and the things people carry.
Because I chose to show up as me, because I didn’t give into the feeling she didn’t approve of me (which I am sure was a false narrative my insecurity fabricated) our life experiences were mutually enriched.
Today I am showing up, mascara and all, as me for me. I am writing these words for me first because writing is something I love, and to write every day gives me space to express myself. I hope by sharing these words you are impacted but I am no longer writing for your approval, or at least I am trying not to.
Don’t get me wrong, the days I walk out of the house in a ball cap and clean eyes, those days are for me too. We are more than one dimension, aren’t we? Us getting comfortable with ourselves is valuable to those we encounter.
To be confident in you is not selfish, quite the opposite I think. When you are confident in you, you are then free to give space for others to be confident in them. What if this is how we all lived and interacted? Knowing the value we bring then allows for authentic service, collaboration and community; all fragrant with the scent of humility.
I dare say, the world may be a better place to walk in, mascara or not.